Attributes of Aliens in Human Form: Face Edition

As humies, our anonymity is invaluable. Remaining cognizant of our attributes prevents us from blowing our cover.

We leave our alien signatures on everything. Minimizing these signatures is the surest way to duck normie oppression.

To become Bruce Wayne, you must first stash your batsuit: those unchecked qualities that distinguish you from the normies. The Gotham mobs are perceptive; a single blemish can blow your alien cover.

The following is an incomplete listpulled from the Twitterverse and seasoned with humorof facial attributes worth concealing:

HAIR

  • Color gradient mirrors the pride flag
  • Is AWOL, betraying your limitless forehead
  • Is naturally red
  • Appears desperately rugged
  • Is a detachable symbiote fixer

EARS

  • Have had work done
  • Hear both “Yanny” and “Laurel”
  • Are lobeless
  • Ring more than your phone
  • Bleed when you’re at the post office

MOUTH

  • Promptly recovers after tooth removal
  • Inhales burgers; exhales noises which perplex others
  • Appears hollowed or inordinately congealed  
  • Smiles like a hedgehog 
  • Involuntarily assists bugs in suicide

EYES

  • Change colors seasonally, or based on mood
  • Are gray, or dark brown and mistakenly black
  • Continue absorbing light when closed
  • Match your hair color
  • Are browless or partly browed

NOSE

  • Discharges food bits when you choke
  • Bridge is asymmetrical af
  • Accommodates multiple pieces of jewelry
  • Hosts reptilian nostrils
  • Bleeds when you’re at the post office

Propose list modifications via the comment box below or email: holder.humies@gmail.com

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