“I was always trying to fit in or please someone else.”
Folks immigrated from Asian country, born in the states. Didn’t have any childhood friends like non immigrants do. My culture was split, religion split, etc.
I found myself being more American then my folks side. It was frustrating living two lives pleasing two diff ppl. I lost track who I was. Which lead to depression, and alienation through my early childhood in school. I got “bullied” a lot of racism comments and overall I didn’t know English and the teachers weren’t component so I became a trouble maker.
Coming to middle school it continued a lot of violence surrounded me and I was just becoming violent person. I hated loud sounds, doors slamming, certain ppls voices (ptsd) I had a dose of the real life my life was. All the fake happiness was dropped.
Hs I got sick of the bs was a cringey rollercoaster of emotions. Finally said fuck if I did a 180 and got on track. But it only lasted 6 months some events took place and I just broke. The person I considered a friend/family was in coma which was one of the main things that destroyed me. 3-4 months of waiting. Lost touch with them for 1.5 years.
During this time I was just on auto mode, sleep school, I picked up a job to just buy stuff for hobbies, I got into fishing.
In all this I never know who I was, I was always trying to fit in or please someone else. I got tired of it and I never was friends with anyone really. Never got invited always had to initiate convos which usually lex to bring left on open or never opened for weeks or months at a time. I just told everyone to fuck off. If ppl couldn’t accept me for who I am then it’s their loss.
I’m a minority who breaks all the rules and culture shocks everyone. People don’t expect me to fish, work on project cars, cook, hunt for food, etc.
My advice I can give someone is. Just live day by day enjoy life. Be yourself find hobbies and things that make you happy. Money doesn’t mean everything but get a decent stable job to support your hobbies, being alone is okay, you have to change to cause change so put yourself out and try new things.
Editors note: The author, who wishes to remain totally anonymous, recommends subscribing to YouTube channel “Yes Theory.” It documents the journey of three strangers who have bonded over their belief that life’s greatest adventure is in living outside one’s comfort zone.